I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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