My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
