I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
