Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
