My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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