dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Randomize
