God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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