no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
