if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
