Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
