That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
