remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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