There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
