all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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