omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
