im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
