i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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