I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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