I think im going to throw up on grandma
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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