oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
