I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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