I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
