FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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