U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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