I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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