Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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