just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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