My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We are all done wearing pants today
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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