The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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