he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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