i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
