I wish I only lived at night.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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