omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
