so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
