your parents love me but you hate me
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
