and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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