Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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