Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
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Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
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just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.