Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?