I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
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When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
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I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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