would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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