I only kidnapped one of them. chill
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
