I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
