sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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