Having a random hookup so left but love u
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
