Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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