Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
my phone needs a breathalizer
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
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he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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