I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.