listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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