This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
