that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
