This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
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I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
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He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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