I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
