So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
