I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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