she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
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he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
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Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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