and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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