My vagina just recognized that song.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
