Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize