It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
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The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
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Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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