she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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