I am puke
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
