So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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