he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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