I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
