Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Randomize
